Here is an experience I think will help you with faith. I’ve never typed this out because recalling the memory is excruciating. I feel the urge today.
When my dad entered hospice care at home, I spent days just sitting with him. We took shifts as a family. But I didn’t want to miss a minute of it. Even though I wasn’t sure he was still there. He went through all the textbook stages of death written in the hospice book.
But the moment etched in my brain…
The day he died. It was around 5:15pm. I had gotten up to feed Tyler who was 10 months old. He was getting fussy. I walked from the dining room where Dad’s bed was into the living room where Tyler was playing. I picked him up. I think probably 10 seconds passed of me holding him and all of a sudden something overcame my body. I can’t explain it other than an EXTREME urge to move.
I physically DROPPED Tyler, it actually felt like he was taken from my hands and set on the ground. I moved into the dining room and at this point had NO IDEA WHY. I felt like I was floating; I don’t remember walking. I looked down and saw my dad’s chest raise really high. It stayed there. It went down. It seemed like hours passed. It raised again. It went down. And then never raised again.
We were all there… (deep breath, that was hard to write).
Up until that moment I had always questioned God. But I can’t explain that moment outside of some power bigger that CARRIED me to my dad to make sure I didn’t miss his last breath. This was the worst moment of my life and the most wonderful moment as it completely changed my life.
It’s really private to me and I’ve only shared it with a few but there are multiple people in my life right now going through these last moments and it inspired me to share this. Because this is the moment that strengthened my faith when I needed the most. I had been frantically praying that heaven existed, that Dad wouldn’t be alone, and I got the sign I needed.
I may not get to church all the time. I swear. I’ve sinned. I’m so imperfect. But I no longer feel alone. I feel unstoppable, in fact. This must be what faith feels like. I feel like this wouldn’t have happened to me, if I weren’t meant to share it. Just like a lot of things in my life today, no one can take away the experiences I have that shape my life. I will use them to lift up others.
From that point on, I AM LISTENING.
If you’ve got someone who needs to read this feel free to share. If you’ve read to the end of this long post, maybe that person is you.